The following is a rant from the schmucks over at Bangkok Badboy blog. He has interesting views on prostitution in Thailand and isn’t afraid to spill what’s on his mind, my kind of guy!
“I’m just looking, to see what I’m missing”. So sang Tim Burgess of indie groovesters The Charlatans back in 1995. Kelly Jones of the Welsh-and-crap Stereophonics sang something similar a few years later, but I wasn’t listening. This is, of course, irrelevant.
Because the topic today is that of (brace yourselves, homophobes), ladyboys.
Katoeys. Chicks with Dicks. Cocks in Frocks.
Call them what you will - some love them, whilst others hate them. But everybody seems to have an opinion.
On of the biggest worries of most Bangkok Virgins is whether they’ll be able to tell whether that cute chick fluttering her eyelashes in the bar is biologically female or not. It’s easy enough to tell in Nana Plaza’s four ladyboy bars - they’re all genetically dudes, and what’s more - they all have dicks. But elsewhere, it’s not always so straightforward.
Most straight guys would be horrified to discover that their Bangkok Belle comes with a bell-end, but at least they’d know. Experience and the usual tell-tale signs (big hands, strong jaw, adam’s apple, deep voice, five-o-clock shadow and a bulge in the groin department) can usually filter out most of the impersonators.
But I defy any of you not to find Poy Threechada, seen here on Google, and the girl on top of this post, at least slightly confusing.
In short, there’s always the chance one might slip through the net. Especially if “she” is a post-op. What does a post-op mangina look like anyway? Anyone ever seen one? Just how would you know for sure if it’s the real thing?
As a public service, and to satisfy my own curiosity, I decided to find out.
Full Disclosure
First things first, where to look? As mentioned, Nana Plaza’s four dedicated ladyboy gogos exclusively feature she-males of the pre-op variety. They’ve all got knobs. So they were a non-starter.
The Crown Group bars are dotted with young ladies of the
The thing is though, Nana Plaza just isn’t all that much fun these days. Patpong offers a mixture of post- and pre-op ladyboys, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if I picked the wrong variety?
Because the problem, not to put too fine a point on it, in conducting a mission of this manner is disclosure. Asking a suspicious-looking girl whether she is a dude is not very diplomatic. Especially if she isn’t. Asking her whether she still has her tackle is just plain rude.
Instead, I hit Soi Cowboy, where I know for a fact that Mr LED Lighting, head of the Midnite group of bars, is famously unfussy when it comes to the gender of the “talent” he hires for his gaudy fleshpots.
In the first bar, two of the four “girls” performing the stage show were clearly ladyboys. I tugged at the sleeve of a passing mamasan, and asked her how many ladyboys worked in the bar, in total. I figured she’d probably lie, and claim that they were all girls. I hate it when they do that.
“How many ladyboys here?”
“No ladyboy. All lady. 100%. For sure”.
“That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place”.
“You buy me dink?”
“No, because you are lying scum”.
And so on, etc. Disclosure. Argh.
Anyway, I eventually identified my target. I explained, over a delightful brace of Tiger beers, that I was fully aware of her gender “issues”. And that I would like to pay the barfine, and treat her to a short stay in that luxurious boutique residence on Soi Asoke; Asoke Place Short Time Rooms.
Where, I continued, I would like to examine your fanny.
(Note to Americans: “fanny”, in this case, is the English English slang word for vagina, as opposed to the American English slang word for bottom).
No sex. No photos. No funny business. I just want to see your fanny. I’ll pay.
It felt strangely like being twelve years old again, for some reason…
The Mutilated Spectre Of A Penis
Deal done, the walk of shame was only slightly spoilt by the angry yells of a (very female) gogo dancer of my acquaintance - a regular freebie, in fact - who happened to spot me striding purposefully down the soi with a katoey. I suspect that a vacancy has opened up in my harem. Contact me using the link at the top of the page if you’re Asian, genetically female, and interested.
To the subject in hand, or rather, at arm’s length, it didn’t look much like a fanny to me - and I should know, I’ve seen loads of them.
Instead, it looked like someone had taken a pair of pliers to a penis, and turned bits of it inside-out. I can still see it, every time I close my eyes. Ugh.
Assuming that this one was fairly typical of its ilk (and I will assume so, because I have no desire to examine any more of them), I can confidently say that if I ever accidentally end up with a ladyboy in my bed, I’ll soon figure it out when her knickers come off.
And if we need another rhyming phrase to describe our trans-gendered pals of the post-operative variety, may I humbly offer “bitches with stitches”? Thanks.
I originally had a link here to Bangkok Badboy’s original article, but since he pulled a switcharoo on the graphic image of Poy, fuck him. I’m now going to syndicate all his ignorant ladyboy RSS feeds here. Cheerio mate!
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